Pain, Food, Habits & Grace

So I am reading this book, Women Food and God, by Geneen Roth. I picked it up after hearing the author talk about her journey to a healthy relationship with food on Ophrah's Super Soul Sunday podcast. I am definitely a fan but I have never seen the actual TV show. Anyway, Mrs. Roth and Momma "O" were talking about this book and the discussion ventured towards the 'uncomfortable' discussion of pain, more specifically avoidance of pain in all of its form...loss, emptiness, broken-heartiness, etc. 

I almost turned off the podcast. But this usually happens when I listen to Momma "O's" podcasts. She doesn't run from the topic of pain and tends to bring on people who talk about having experienced, worked through, overcome, and even embraced pain. These folks leaned into the pain. And they seemed to grow in one way or another as a result of it. But for years when I thought of pain, I would not to think of pain. I avoided it, opted to not feel any pain or let it even get close to me. I thought the pain, which was sometimes so despairingly deep would destroy me. I didn't think I could survive it. So I lived for years with the dull ache of the pain that I tried to keep at a distance but was always with me. It meant being often lonely and empty; lacking real connection with myself or others. But in my mind, this was better than feeling the pain. At some point, I discovered food as a mechanism for numbing the dull ache of the pain. The rest is history: a life long battle with my weight among other things.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago and a couple of chapters into Mrs. Roth's book, I ran into this quote, "'s not life in the present moment that is intolerable; the pain we are avoiding has already happened." I had to put down the book and walk away from this truth. When I thought about it, I realized that numbing out with food because of the old pain had become a habit. One that I have had for 30+ years. This is gonna take some work to change. I'm scared, but my will to live a full and present and joyful life is bigger than the fear. 

Will keep y'all posted on the process...however long it takes.

Professional Blog Designs by pipdig