...for real, I ain't no MARTYR! #shelives

Ever have one of those moments when the truth hits you in the face? You know, one of those moments when you realize that you are NOT the person that you believed and perceived yourself to be.

Yeah, well I just had one of those.

It was...surreal.

I was just sitting here penning what I thought was going to be an AMAZING blog about self care and blah, blah, blah.

I was in the middle of telling you the story of my experience last year when I reached the end of myself. And the moment when my stress levels tipped over. And how I struggled with the person that stress and the crazy stuff at work had made me. It was so good y'all. I mean, I totally hated to delete it! OMG!

But while I was writing,  I had a really honest conversation with myself and God about what really happened last year. It was so honest that I had to stop writing for a moment to really process it all.

Here is my #truth...

I can't dump all of the blame for my near collapse emotionally, and spiritually physically last year on stress and crazy stuff at work . No, some of this, a bigger part that I would have ever admitted until now, was a result of my choice to become...the martyr. That's right, I pretty much sacrificed myself for the cause last year. It felt like the right thing to do at the time. Somebody had to do it...right? Ummm...nope. I chose this path and tried to carry all of the weight personally.

But there was a huge problem with me and martyrdom. I wasn't good at it. I have a strong tendency towards self preservation and life which always makes me lousy at this kind of thing. I mean, martyrs actually die for the cause...on purpose. Right....not my thing. And most of all, not what God created me to be.

If I am totally honest with myself, I have to admit that this was not the first time that I tried to take the path of the martyr. Not the first time that I suffered from trying to carry the load, the pain, work, or the angst of others by myself. Actually...it is a pattern that I have been retracing most of my life.

I have often made the choice towards martyrdom because I couldn't really see any other viable options. I couldn't see that there was any other way towards the outcome that I believed was needed. I couldn't see that perhaps a failure or lapse would be the signal to the troops to rally around this issue or cause. Couldn't quite see that help would come if I let folks see that I really needed it and was open to receiving it. I just couldn't see.

But my vision is changing. And I am asking God to help me see more clearly, make better decisions, and get out of the way when I need to. I am asking him to teach me the way of the champion and give me the wisdom to know the best way to accomplish my purpose and reach my goals...whatever they are.

My life is changing even as I type these words...

Love you much,

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